DON'T WORRY, HE'S FRIENDLY...

My back to the sidewalk, focus fully on my dog, creating our safe space… and my sixth sense begins tingling at the approach of a threatening creature and its dog.

“We’re training.”

“Oh, but he’s friendly.”

“Oh, but she’s not… ha ha.”

“He’s great with other dogs.”

“She’s not.”

Does this feel familiar to anyone? Let’s analyze this exchange for a moment… I just told you my dog is not friendly with other dogs. I get that she’s small. She doesn’t look like a threat, bright eyes and lively ears and all that. But I just told you my dog is not friendly with other dogs and still... here you come. Slackening the leash, your dog reading your cues to join in on the fun… or disaster. And even as I see the crinkle build in Gracie’s brow, the hackles raise, the whiskers curl forward while the lips curl back and even as I try to react quickly, breaking the safe zone I thought I had created and taking avoidance to a whole new level… to retreat… you still approach, dog at the end of his leash, Gracie now barking and lunging while I take her away.

And to add insult to injury… you act startled and back up in fear… then you finally walk away, shaking your head in scorn while praising your own dog for being so wonderful (which he may very well be but I didn’t get to find out because I had to leave my own party to which you had not been invited but showed up anyway).

As an owner of a dog lost from her mother and her litter at the tender age of 6-8 weeks, with no proper weening or litter time, who has proven to be very difficult to socialize and, as a result, developed a certain level of fear aggression and lack of confidence in her 3rd to 4th year (complete with barking and lunging triggered by any dog, anywhere that she could see him… or hear her)… I’ll admit… I’m sensitive about our personal space. I am not angry or annoyed by the people who approach uninvited and often rejected… and trust me, there are many. But I am confused.

First off, why would you assume my dog is friendly? Why would any owner assume any dog they’ve never met is friendly and a worthy companion to their dog? In dealing with Gracie’s fear aggression, I can say she never attacked another dog in aggression... but only because we never let her come into contact with other dogs.

Since her acting out was a lack of confidence and fear rather than a desire to injure or dominate other dogs, we spent a lot of time building her confidence and trust in herself and most importantly us. We minimized unpredictability by increasing the level of order in her life with lots of on-leash walking, exposure to distractions and other animals at safe distances, which at one time was like hundreds of yards away, down to a 10 foot radius. Success I would say.

Regardless of my thought that Gracie wouldn’t injure another animal, doesn’t mean to say she wouldn’t. Or even if she wouldn’t, why would anyone assume she wouldn’t and trust their dog to rush her? Especially if she was obviously in her red zone — barking, growling, lunging? And yes, people have let their dogs run up to Gracie “to play” when she is in full freak out saying things to me like “Oh, look at her little Napolean complex”… “Oh, small dogs and their big egos”… “Oh boy, this is why I don’t have yappy dogs.” Really?

Secondly, if I had stood with my back to you in an office, talking to someone else and saying my new coworker wasn’t friendly to other people… would you join in the conversation? No, you’d walk away and say “What a weirdo.” So why then do all notions of human body language, social mores and outright communication seem to fail in situations involving owners and dogs?

Mostly I am confused by owners’ assertion “Don’t worry, he’s friendly,” as if my obviously stressed out dog will stop and think “Oh, friendly you say? Well, then sure, we’ll be best buddies.” My dog doesn’t know that your dog is friendly. Even if my dog didn’t have issues with other dogs and was perfectly friendly herself, it would still take her time to suss out just where your dog stands on the friendly scale. And even if they are both perfectly friendly, non-reactive dogs… doesn’t mean they are automatically going to get along. They are dogs. We are people. We can be unpredictable and complex, hard to read and easy to confuse or offend. They are dogs and they are just the same as us. You would not, I hope, make out with me as soon as you met me just as long as I was friendly… and neither should they.

In researching the concept for this site, I came across a host of wonderful articles, blog posts and forums tackling the “Don’t worry, he’s friendly” issue. While many of these articles are written by dog trainers, behaviorists, dog walkers... all highly experienced in dog/human interactions... each minimizes the issue to poor off-leash recall, lack of doggie etiquette, on-leash/off-leash laws and how each of those problems results in an out of control dog, or more importantly an out of control owner allowing their dog to race up to a stranger, pawing and licking them. Unpleasant and inappropriate to be sure, but being rushed by an overly friendly dog is barely scratching the surface of the dangerous and offensive owner mentality behind this simple and common phrase.

More often than not, frustration with the "Don't worry, he's friendly" crowd takes the shape of oblivious owners who have a dog great in all respects to personality except personal space and recall. I levy that the issue goes far deeper and wider: from the owner who believes they are informing me of his dog’s friendliness to assuage my fears as a person -- he won't bite my hand off (probably, but I don't trust a dog with teeth and powerful jaws any more than I trust friendly stranger with a gun), to the owner who might actually be making a misguided effort to assuage my dog’s fears (nice thought, but as my dog doesn't speak human, probably not the most persuasive argument while she's busy barking and pooping herself in abject fear of everything happening at that very moment), or I would even give the benefit of the doubt to the owner who lobs assertions of their dog's friendliness to simply cover their own embarrassment at being unable to control their otherwise clownish and playful companion who everyone loves when they get to know but can be obnoxious for the first 15 minutes or 15 meetings (like that frat boy in college who was everyone's favorite bro and you just didn't get it until that one time you were having a bad day and he was the only one who noticed). However, for me, the worst is the owner who, even with their dog on leash, able to control the distance with which their dog is from my dog, they trap me. They trap my Gracie. They trap my Piper, my Oliver, my Robért. And no matter the best of our intetions or planning or prevention, we are fucked.

Ultimately, whether it’s a rambunctious off leash dog who bounds into strangers, with or without their own dog companions, or the owner who foolishly approaches another dog owner pair without appropriate invitation, it’s all about space for people and dogs, and remembering that ultimately… though we’re in the same community… mostly we’re strangers and so are our dogs.